5 Common Police Wife Struggles or Struggles of Dating a Police Officer
I'd Bet Money I Describe Your Mornings (And How to Thrive Anyway)
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so you can feel like a team through every shift and schedule change.
I'd bet money I'm about to describe your mornings.
If you're a mom, you wake up at 6am to your baby crying while the silhouette of your husband sleeps next to you after a 14-hour night shift. You try to keep the kids quiet, skip the blender so you don't wake him, and head out of the house so he can sleep in peace, wishing you didn't have to do it all alone. If you don't have kids or you're dating your officer, you sneak out of bed in the dark, get ready in the hall bath, eat breakfast alone, and look like a deer in headlights when coworkers ask about your weekend plans because his schedule changes every few weeks.
Whether your partner is police, fire, or military, there is a version of your relationship that feels better than you've ever dreamed, and it doesn't require him to leave the job or change shifts. It comes from building Independent Daily Routines that light you up when he's working, using Gentle Observation to notice what he's carrying from his shift, and practicing Assertive Trauma Informed Communication so he can actually hear what you need.
As a police wife of 13 years with an MSW and PhD, here is what I learned in our hardest early years, and the 5 most common struggles you'll face (plus how to handle each one). If your husband is a firefighter or in the military, also read my guides on 5 firefighter wife struggles and how fire wives feel like a team again and what to do when your military husband feels emotionally distant.
The first few years of any marriage or dating a police officer are hardest for any couple. In all honesty, the first five years were the hardest for us, but we made it through stronger. As a police wife or dating a police officer, you will have unique circumstances that many other couples do not understand. It can be helpful to find other cop wives or girlfiends who do understand (such as my Instagram LEOW community). You will have police wife struggles or struggles of dating a police officer compared to other relationships, but I have helpful tips below to address each police wife struggle.
Dating a Cop is Lonely
At the beginning, you may feel lonely, but it’s normal, and you will learn to adapt. I share about a date I went to solo in this blog. Develop a community of people that you love to spend time with. Consider joining group workouts, sports teams, mom groups, etc. to make friends. Anticipate your loneliness ahead of time. For example, if you know that your police husband is working the next two weekends, plan some fun things to do with friends or a group.
Another option is to enjoy the solitude. Find things that your spouse doesn’t really like to do, such as watch chick flicks or a specific hike that bothers his knees. Put on your ear pods and enjoy that hike with your favorite music or podcast. Check out my blogs on dealing with loneliness and thriving in the police wife life even though it can be lonely for more information. I also share daily tips on my Instagram and weekly on my podcast.
Police officer marriage statistics.
In the midst of an argument, the back of our mind moves to think about the high divorce rates that we have heard about in police officer marriage statistics. I want to debunk that myth for you right now. More recent data shows that police officer marriages have lower divorce rates than others. So, beyond the fact that this myth is false, you are not a statistics.
Focus on the positives. Don’t let society determine your marriage success. You can be joyful and confident in your marriage. Build your skills by listening to my podcast.
Police schedules and unpredictability.
This beautiful life can be unpredictable.
Flexibility is key. I have learned over time to have very little expectations that my husband will be off for holidays or even our boys’ birthdays. We often schedule, as you probably will too, holidays on days other than the actual holiday.
Consider using a white board family calendar like this one that I use to keep track of your spouses’ work time, overtime, and court days. I leave my calendar low to the ground so my children can see it too. I even draw pictures on it so my littlest can “read” it too.
Don’t miss my blog on police wife productivity hacks including how I deal with the chaotic schedules.
Your husband may never be home on time.
Lower your expectation. I do not wait on my spouse for dinner, etc., because if he is late, then I may resent him. It’s easier for me to be happy if he is able to make it for something than be upset that he could not. I am a very organized person and thrive on routine. Check out my productivity tips for police wives. Also, here are some great tips for having a shift work spouse.
Remember to wait to be worried for at least a couple hours after his shift would normally end. Overtime is a normal part of his job.
Consider getting him a smart watch, so he can easily text you to tell you he’s running late.
Night Shift Sleep.
His sleep may mess up your own sleep schedule. He might work night shift or swing shift and be on an opposite sleeping schedule than you. Try to create your own routine around sleep regardless of his schedule if you have children or work during the day. Check out my blog on sleeping with a night shift spouse for many helpful tips.
Picture this:
You walk in the door after work or a playdate and the dishes in the sink are already done because he cleaned up after waking from night shift.
He gets offered optional overtime for the weekend, calls you first, and the two of you decide together.
When he does have to work the whole weekend, it flies by because you already have plans and routines you look forward to.
You sleep well even when he's on nights, and your mornings feel calm instead of chaotic.
You're not doing this alone anymore; he has your back, and you have his.
You don't have to spend the first five years figuring this out the hard way like I did. Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.
Listen: more on thriving as a police, fire, or military wife or girlfriend on the heelsandholster podcast
