How to Thrive with Solo Parenting Challenges as a Police Wife
Solo Parenting as a Police Wife: How to Stop Feeling Like a Single Mom Who's Married
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so you can stop feeling like a single mom who's married.
Have you ever been hauling groceries, a diaper bag, or a crying baby up the stairs by yourself while your husband is on shift or sleeping after nights, thinking, "I feel like a single mom who's married"?
When your police, fire, or military husband is at work or sleeping off a 14-hour shift, his job makes him an unreliable source of day-to-day help at home. Early on, waiting around for him to be home so I could shower, run errands, or catch a break left me exhausted and resentful.
What changed everything for me and my coaching clients is building my Independent Daily Routines framework, routines that run smoothly and include time for you no matter what his schedule is, paired with Assertive Trauma Informed Communication so you can ask for what you need without another fight. One of my police wife and working mom clients went from feeling like a single mom who's married to her husband taking sick days to care for their son without her even having to ask. If your husband works 24 or 48-hour fire shifts or is away for military training or deployment, read how my clients overcome feeling like a single mom as a firefighter wife and reconnecting when your military husband feels emotionally distant.
I still remember the exact day I realized I had to figure out our solo parenting rhythm on my own.
I remember the first day my husband worked after I had our first son, I decided to give our first son a bath and he pooped all over the side of the tub and it was a disaster. He was just one month and a tiny slippery little guy. He had never done that before and of course it happened while I was as alone. Family would visit and help us, but there were things I’d tell them that I knew I needed to learn to do on my own without their help. We lived on a third floor apartment. I had to learn how to get myself, our son, and our groceries up the stairs, how to get me, our son and the stroller up and down the stairs all by myself. I needed to learn to cook and get household things done while I was alone with our son. How to leave the house alone. I got that done. One kid and two arms was doable. I had to get used to single parenting or solo parenting as a police wife.
Still many years later now that my boys are ages 9 and 11, I regularly go solo to kid’s parties or sporting events on the weekends or holiday parties. I often fill my solo parenting days with fun activities we can do as a family. Check out my free printable with ideas here. I just went to a pool party for my son’s jiujitsu class where I was the only mom in the pool for the first hour. The other mom’s children were strong swimmers. Our second son, my (then) 5 year old, has just learned to swim. I needed to be right by his side. Without my husband there, I felt alone as the other moms were socializing outside the pool. I reminded myself that my husband is a police officer.
I make sacrifices because of that. I find pride in that rather than resentment. I truly hope this blog provides you with the solo parenting help, resources, and tips you need to address common solo parenting challenges.
I share daily about my police family life on my Instagram stories such as these below.
One more story to help you feel less alone on one of those solo parenting challenge days..
The downstairs toilet needed to be plunged, and this would have totally been handled by my lovely handy husband, but he was already at work…and wasn't going to be home ‘til 7:30pm. We have two other bathrooms, but they’re upstairs and my boys are used to using our downstairs bath during the day, so it needed to be dealt with. Meanwhile, my older son woke up not feeling well. Our younger son thinks of his older brother and him as one person, so he felt like he should stay home from school too. He had a crying disaster moment. While I did get him to go to school and he didn't cry at drop off, I came home to that darn toilet and juggling our older son and working from home. It took me plunging on and off all day to get the toilet fixed. Also, I get a call from my MIL that the condo we own in Vegas, where my husband's sister lives, is flooding really bad from a leak in the condo upstairs. Ugh. What a mess! My husband was at work, and honestly knows everything about the condo more than me. I knew our homeowners insurance but that was about it. We finally get ahold of my husband and he deals with everything he can over the phone.
I know you will also benefit from reading my other blogs on raising children of police officers and reintegration (the process of transition from solo parenting to our spouse being home again).
Phew… then, after picking up our younger son was from school, it was a good afternoon. My energy was spent though by the end of the day. After dinner, I asked my boys to go upstairs to take baths. I asked our older son to help the younger to fill up the tub while I made everyone's lunches for the next day. I usually do it when it's just the three of us home, but my husband usually has our older son do it, so I knew he could. Our younger son can bathe himself independently after that. After our younger son was done, he comes downstairs. I hear our older son call the younger to grab him his towel, which is in their bathroom, and our older son had bathed in our master bath. Usually, our older son would call me if he needed something. Without complaint, our younger son goes back upstairs to grab him his towel.
When both boys came downstairs, I told them how helpful they were in helping each other out. Our younger son says to me,
“mom, you already do so much.”
It made my day. Maybe my whole year to hear him acknowledge my work. Motherhood is a gift, but it requires a lot of work too.
I see you, fellow police wife/gf doing all the things. Sure, we don't get words of affirmation on the daily, but I hope you know that your husband and kids see you taking care of so many things without complaint. Read my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional for daily affirmations and relatable stories to feel less alone.
Solo Parenting Help
Accept your unique role as a police wife and solo parent. Your life looks different than other wives. You will do more at home than other wives whose spouses are home at 5:30pm each night. You are a police wife. You contribute critically to creating a home that is safe and healthy for your spouse and family. You give your spouse a safe place to rest, recoup, and enjoy life. While many people may not acknowledge your work in the home, I do. I see you. I see that in your homemaking, your officer can rest and be the hero he needs to be in the home. I see you raising kind children that care about their community. I see you volunteering, making lunches for your spouse, treats for the station, etc. You are doing God’s work. Embrace this role. You’re amazing! I talk more about this in my stories and prayers inspired by Bible scriptures in my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book.
Solo Parenting Resources- Self Care- Ask for Help
My husband and I attempted to juggle opposite work schedules for the first year of our older son’s life. We were not sleeping nor getting an ounce of time to think and it was miserable. When we found a trustworthy daycare provider to watch our older son 3 days a week on my teaching days, it was like night and day. I felt like I could breathe again. I was constantly upset with my husband about overtime or court when he was supposed to be with our older son while I worked. I was upset with my husband, but really I was upset with the circumstance. My husband nor I could control his work schedule, but we could control what we did about it.
Before we decided to have a second child, I asked my husband if we could afford daycare 3 days a week for two kids. I realized how critical it was for me, as a working mom, to have reliable help. Even if you are not a working mom, reliable help once a week or once a month can really settle your nerves. Ask for help when you need it. It takes a village.
It also helps to have conversations with our children about the demanding police schedule. Read Boots by the Door with your young children to open up the conversation about their police dad’s schedule.
Solo Parenting Resources- Independence in Your Daily Routine in Solo Parenting while married
Create routines in your life that you can do on your own as a solo parent. Then, ask your spouse to support those home routines when he is home. For example, generally each night I eat lunch with my boys at the dinner table with the TV off around 6pm. Then, I clean up. I give my youngest a bath and my oldest takes a bath in the other bathroom. We relax in PJs in the living room, brush teeth, then I read them a book and sing them a song before they go to sleep around 8pm. Most nights, this looks about the same. This routine creates sanity for me. Sure, when my husband is home, he makes our boys laugh more and has fun, but in general he supports the routine I created. I know that I do this routine alone but welcome my husband to be a part of it when he is home. Sometimes adjusting to our officers being home again can be sticky. If you feel this, read my blog on reintegration. I also address this in my Boots by the Door book for kids.
Planning for You Solo Parenting Tips
Planning is tough as a police wife. Why do I still recommend it? My husband emails me his work schedule when he gets it. This way I can anticipate long solo parenting stretches. During those times that I can anticipate them, I will text a friend to schedule a play date or plan a fun trip to the beach, museum or zoo. I really loved going to mom workout groups, such as Stroller Strides (look for one in your area) when my boys were babies and toddlers. Be around other people and schedule things to do out of the house so you feel less alone and don’t go stir crazy. Sure, we cannot plan each overtime shift, but if we plan ahead for other anticipated challenges, then the unexpected overtime or court days aren’t as tough.
We also like to visit my husband at the police station about once or twice a year. It’s far away from where we live, so we make a day of it and do something else fun like visit a museum or the Zoo nearby before or after our visit. My police kids book Donuts at the Station will help your kids to imagine their Dad at the station even when they can’t visit him. Read it on those days they miss him so.
Picture this:
Your evening dinner, bath, and bedtime routine runs smoothly whether he's on shift or home with you.
When he is home, he jumps right into the routine you built, and you get a real break without guilt.
You have reliable childcare and plans with friends on the calendar for his long work stretches, so you're never stuck waiting around.
He takes a sick day with the kids or handles dinner without you having to nag.
You feel proud and supported as a team instead of feeling like a single mom who's married.
You don't have to carry the mental and physical load of solo parenting all by yourself. Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.