How to Ask My Police Husband for Help Around the House or With Baby
She Asked Once. Here’s How to Ask Your Police Husband for Help (Even If It Feels Uncomfortable)
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training to learn how to ask so he actually hears you.
Even if you feel uncomfortable… I got you!
“Whenever I ask him to help with the kids, he says he needs to rest. He’s tired from work.”
A police wife told me this on a coaching call, and I could hear how tired SHE was. So she stopped asking. She did bath time, the dishes, and the homework alone, and quietly got more and more resentful.
Most of us were taught to hint, hope, and then explode. That’s not your fault. But there’s a better way.
Here’s what changed for her: she asked once. Clearly, kindly, at the right moment. And that week her husband did the dishes AND opened up about a hard call from his shift. She didn’t have to ask again.
That’s the power of two methods I teach every client: Gentle Observation (noticing how he’s doing before you ask) and Assertive Trauma Informed Communication (asking for what you need in a way a police, fire, or military nervous system can actually hear).
So how do you ask once and actually get a yes? Here’s my answer.
We are taught to be passive from a young age as women. It doesn't come natural for us to be assertive. Sometimes when I ask for help, I tend to downplay just how much I need help. I still do this. I'm not perfect.
I might say, “It'd be really nice if you could get up with the boys sometime", which isn't really a question.
My husband might say “sure”, but I asked him in such a vague way that he doesn't really have to commit right?
We must be direct with what our needs are and why we need help. Learn more skills on how to do this in my police wife course and heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book.
See the text from me to my husband and his response below. This is a real text from last week.
Actual text I sent my husband.
Read the green text that I sent to my husband to ask for help. What does the text include?
I specifically reported my needs.
I also specifically reported why I needed help.
This is very different than a vague request like, “I could really use your help this week.” We cannot except our husbands to read our minds. We need to be specific.
Now, read his text below.
Click this picture to see my police wife devotional book.
My husband’s response.
Read the grey text. To give some context to the text, my husband typically stops at a gym to workout on his way home from work. On normal weeks for me and my boys, I've got things covered and fully support my husband working out. You know I promote independence. Find my productivity hacks for police wives here. Last week my boys were out on spring break. I was juggling working and watching them. It was a lot to ask just of me. It's reasonable for me to ask my husband to not work out so I can catch up on work. We are partners.
I want to acknowledge that my husband recognized my role and burdens placed on my shoulders in the text. Be patient with your husband if he does not do this. My husband and I have been married for nine years. I do not expect him to do this, but I know he does this because of past arguments.
How to Ask My Police Husband for Help Around the House or With Baby
Click here to see our new Police Kids Book
In summary, when I asked for help, I was specific on my needs and why I needed help. This does not come easy to most women who are socialized to be passive. Let’s promise each other we will be more assertive in the future, okay? We’ve got this!
Picture this:
You ask for help one time, and he says “I got it.”
He’s loading the dishwasher while you read bedtime stories.
He tells you about his shift without you pulling it out of him.
You stop rehearsing the conversation in your head all day.
You feel heard, and so does he.
Ready to ask once and actually be heard? My free training, 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back, is the best place to start.
Listen: how to feel heard in your marriage, Episode 88