5 Tips for Thriving when Dating a Cop: Advice for Police Girlfriends

I Could Tell He Was Tired, So I Used Gentle Observation (Advice for Police Girlfriends)

Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so you can feel secure and connected while dating a police, fire, or military partner.

One of my coaching clients, a police girlfriend in a long-distance relationship, sent me this voice note after just a week of practicing my Gentle Observation method:

"I could tell he was tired so I used Gentle Observation. So far, the results are wonderful. Regarding Gentle Observation, there has been an improvement. I can see that my man is more relaxed. I could really see it in his tone and the way he is more proactive in reaching out to spend time with me."

Just four days earlier, her partner felt distant and having time together was "quite hard." Now they are having fun again, because she paired Gentle Observation with my Assertive Trauma Informed Communication method and Consistent Quality Time Together framework.

As a police wife of 13 years (who dated my husband for 10 years before tying the knot) with a Masters and PhD in social work and an expertise in trauma, welcome to my guide on dating a police officer, dating a cop, what it is like dating a cop, and dating a cop personality.

Mastering Shift Work When Dating a Police Officer

Courtship when you’re dating a police officer looks different than most. You may feel like you don’t see your boyfriend as often as you would like. You may have opposite schedules. Often when I support police girlfriends in relationship coaching, this is the top issue I help police girlfriends to overcome. Your boyfriend working nights, weekends, and holidays may make you feel insecure. You might ask yourself, “Is he really into me?” In addition, your friends or family who do not understand the law enforcement lifestyle may put additional pressure on the relationship. They may say things like, “If he really liked you, he would make time for you.”

I teach all my relationship coaching clients that Consistent Quality Time Together is the glue that holds your relationship together, but your time together as a couple will look different than other dating couples. And, that’s okay. If you’re struggling with finding time with your police boyfriend, you can use my Assertive Trauma Informed Communication Method to ask your boyfriend to find a regular day and time that you spend time together.

For example, maybe you have dinner together every 2nd day off or every Tuesday evening. Many women feel insecure asking for this in a new relationship. I know that your police boyfriend has literally been trained to respond to direct commands. You saying “I wish we could see each other more” is vague and passive to him. It’s like you’re speaking different languages.

In 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back Free Training, I will teach you how to use my Assertive Trauma Informed Communication method so you have regular dates with your man.

You Don’t Want to Miss this Client Transformation

I would love to start off my sharing a success story of a police girlfriend that I have supported in my Resilient Ride Along group coaching program that went from feeling stagnant in her relationship to taking the next step in their relationship. While Client B, a powerlifting single mom and police girlfriend came to me, she had been dating her officer for a year, but he worked a lot of overtime. They struggled to see each other regularly, and she wanted to move in together with him, but struggled to get him to commit to taking this next step in their relationship.

After reading my book and seeing the start of a change in her relationship, my client joined Resilient Ride Along, my group coaching program. My client was being vague and passive when she asked her boyfriend for more time together or to move in together. This is completely natural as women are often socialized to be passive, but it often prevents your police partner from really hearing you. Your police partner is a part of a very assertive, detail-oriented, direct culture.

At times, since her boyfriend worked in a metropolitan area, there were traumatic events that he faced. He worked protests, has use of force incidents, and had dead body calls. My client learned to have true empathy for her partner.

Handling Worry and Stress as a Police Girlfriend

I was supporting a woman who was dating a cop that would pace around her living room on our Individual Coaching calls together. Her police boyfriend was working in a busy city with a lot of protests at the time. She was worried about his safety. She was stressed that he would feel distant to her on his work days. I taught her my Gentle Observation method and it worked like magic to bring him closer to her again.

Not knowing what’s going on with your police boyfriend is the hardest part of the job especially when he seems closed up and doesn’t share about his day. You learn my Gentle Observation method inside my Resilient Ride Along group coaching program.

I also want to add that, when my husband and I were engaged, we were in a long distance relationship. He used to call me at 4am Hawaii Time, which was 1am PST. He worked second shift and I worked days, so this was the only time we could have Consistent Quality Time Together. I would ask him, “What happened at work?” He rarely shared much, so one night I asked him, “why don’t you share about work?” He said, “They keep shooting each other. It’s not fun to talk about. I’d rather focus on you.” Throughout our 13 years of marriage, I’ve learned that my husband doesn’t want to share much about work. He’s told me several times that he likes to focus on me and the kids when he’s home. If you’re dating a cop who is the same, Gentle Observation will be your friend as it pulls him closer to you without pressure to open up. When you push your man to talk when he’s not ready, it will push him away. Learn Gentle Observation in my Resilient Ride Along group coaching program.

Building Strong Communication in a Law Enforcement Relationship

Establishing consistency within the inconsistency of his job is so important. You’re dating a cop whose work schedule will change every day, every month, every year. You can create a consistent time that you hear from him each day though, such as him calling you after his shift, which is what my (now) husband and I did when we were engaged.

Right now, you might be trying to use text messages for serious conversations, because you’re not sure when you will talk to him again. You’re feeling left on read about serious topics. In my Resilient Ride Along program, I will teach you that text messages should be left for only two things: flirting and quick check ins. You need to establish Consistent Quality Time Together; that is when you will hold off serious conversations for so that you are both biologically available to listen.

Setting Boundaries and Protecting Your Peace Dating a Cop

Right now, if you’re waiting around a lot for your police boyfriend to be off duty or to wake up from night shift, you’re not alone. Many of my relationship coaching clients tell me that this is their situation when they first begin coaching with me. This is why establishing Consistent Quality Time Together so that you know when you expect when you will see your police boyfriend is so important. This way, on your other time off work or available, you make plans with friends, you kids, etc. Enjoying your life even when your partner is on duty is essential to this life.

Holidays can be tough for new police girlfriends. My main recommendation would be to celebrate ahead of time with your boyfriend. Let’s say Christmas is coming and he’s working. Choose a date with him that works for both of you to celebrate together. Then, make plans for yourself for the actual Christmas date.

Thriving Long-Term when You’re Dating a Cop

A police girlfriend that I supported a year ago in Individual Coaching learned my Assertive Trauma Informed Communication and Gentle Observation communication techniques. She also established Consistent Quality Time Together. She was so proud of her boyfriend and all he did for their city. She was a single mom and he treated her daughter with such kindness. Today? They just moved in together.

When you invest in learning how to adapt your mindset, communication and daily routines to fit this lifestyle, you’re going to take the next step in your relationship quickly. Just hear it from my Individual Coaching client who went from feeling like time together was impossible to blending their families and moving in together.

Picture this:

• You notice he's tired after a shift, use Gentle Observation, and hear the relief in his voice as he relaxes with you.

• He is proactive in reaching out to plan your next date and spend time together.

• He talks with you before signing up for optional overtime, so you feel like he has your back.

• You have a regular date day or call routine on the calendar, so your nervous system can relax even when his schedule changes.

• You stop wondering if he's really into you, because you're having fun together and taking the next step as a team.

Dating a cop and feeling like you're always second to the job? Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.

Listen: more on dating a police, fire, or military partner on the heelsandholster podcast