Police Wife Life Can be Lonely, but You Can Thrive Anyway
When "Sorry, We Are So Understaffed" Leaves You Going Solo Again (And How to Thrive Anyway)
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so you can feel like a team again even when his schedule changes last minute.
Have you ever planned a fun outing with friends and their partners, only to find out two days before that your husband has to work and you'll be the only one showing up solo?
When your police, fire, or military partner has long hours, court, or mandatory overtime, it's so easy to feel single-but-married while everyone else gets weekends together.
What shifted everything in our marriage and for my coaching clients is building my Independent Daily Routines framework (only scheduling family outings you feel confident doing solo, and filling his work stretches with your own friends and plans), paired with Consistent Quality Time Together and Assertive Trauma Informed Communication so you both feel like you have each other's back.
If you're living that schedule right now, I want to share a moment when disappointment hit right before a big weekend plan, and how I turned it around.
If you’re reading this, you are living the police wife life and most likely have a spouse that works long hours, has unexpected over time, or court. Hi! I’m a fellow police wife of 11 years from Los Angeles. As a working mom of two young boys, I understand the police wife struggles. I’m going to tell you a story and then follow it with 3 tips on how to embrace this police wife life regardless of the struggles.
A date with an understaffed police department
During the mass closures of all live concerts and performances this past year here in California, I saw a drive-up concert offered right off the beach in Ventura, California, and jumped at it. I asked my police spouse if he could take the day off and texted his best friend and his new girlfriend to invite them as well. We also invited some neighbors and their kids. We all planned to attend the concert with our families. Even though it was not going to be live, I was so excited to have fun with our friends again.
Two days before the concert, I remind my husband about the concert. He looks at his work schedule and realizes that he is scheduled to work. He tries to take the day off, but his boss says to him
“sorry, we are so understaffed these days.”
My first thought was, of course, disappointment. I contacted my husband’s bestie and his girlfriend and our neighbors to see if they could still attend. They could all attend with their significant others, but…
I would be attending solo with my boys.
I spent the concert sitting in the back of my kid-filled mini-SUV. I was the “cool car" where all the kids hung out.
I tried to enjoy myself.
And I did!
Police wife life tip #1: I Got Your Six
Strengthen your marriage and bond with your spouse by having his back. He has a very demanding job that requires sacrifices not just of him but also his family. You are his partner in life. If he gets unexpected overtime, sure, take a moment to be disappointed.
Commiserate together, rather than separate. You both would rather your spouse be home.
Then move forward. Consider, “how I can make the best of the situation?” This mindset is key to a happy police wife life. I share more to shift your mindset in my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book.
Police wife life tip #2: Design Your Life for Independence
When I booked the concert, I knew that I could potentially be going to the concert solo with my boys. I definitely did not want that to happen, but I know that, because of my spouse’s job, he might get called in without notice. I only ever schedule things to do with my family that I would be comfortable doing solo.
If you struggle with solitude, which is the act of being alone without feeling lonely, check out my blog on police wife loneliness and keep reading for more help.
Police wife life tip #3: Surround Yourself with Supportive People
As much as we would like to do things all on our own, we need others. If you do not currently have a good support system, I challenge you to join local groups, such as mom or police wife groups, to meet people. I met some of my best friends from a Facebook mom group. AND…
It’s OK to ask for help.
Also, we found amazing daycare providers through friend referrals and even care.com. We police families can be very overprotective of things, such as asking professionals to care for our children or help with housekeeping. But, if you are struggling, remember that you can ask for references and do background checks.
I would often ask my girlfriends to meet up with me for playdates when my husband was working a lot and I was alone with my boys. Just having the presence of another adult around and a little adult conversations went a long way those days.
My Police Wife Devotional
If you’re struggling with the police wife life, I wrote “Heelsandholster: a police wife devotional” just for you. I include 41 “come to Jesus” police marriage moments that we overcame in addition to Bible verses and prayers to inspire.
Picture this:
Even when his department is understaffed or overtime pops up, you already have plans and a support crew that make the weekend fly by.
When you're both disappointed about a schedule change, you commiserate together as teammates instead of fighting.
He calls you before saying yes to optional overtime, and prioritizes your scheduled date nights and family adventures.
You have trusted childcare and mom or friend groups in your corner, so you never have to carry the week alone.
You stop feeling single-but-married because you know he has your back and you have his.
Ready to stop feeling single-but-married and feel like a true team again? Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.
Listen: more on overcoming loneliness in police, fire, or military life on the heelsandholster podcast
If you want to keep reading, consider one of my other blogs:
5 Common Police Wife Struggles