Out on Date Night When Security Scans His Gun: What Kind of Woman Thrives With a Police Officer
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If you're dating or married to a police, fire, or military partner, you quickly realize he doesn't experience the world the way civilians do, and his schedule doesn't look like anyone else's either.
When one of my coaching clients, a police girlfriend in a long-distance relationship, learned to meet her boyfriend with my Gentle Observation method instead of taking his post-shift exhaustion personally, she sent me this voice note: "I could tell he was tired so I used Gentle Observation. So far, the results are wonderful. I can see that my man is more relaxed. I could really see it in his tone and the way he is more proactive in reaching out to spend time with me."
Another client, a deputy K9 wife, used my Assertive Trauma Informed Communication method and Independent Daily Routines framework to go from wondering if he loved the job more than her to telling me, "Huge win! He actually called me before signing up for overtime. And he even said no to a call for overtime on his day off last week."
As a police wife of 13 years with a Masters and PhD in social work, what kind of woman do cops like to date or what kind of woman do police officers like? Let me start off with a recent story of a date I went on with my husband.
What kind of woman do police officers like?
Cops like to date women who are loyal and can empathize with their point of view. In my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional I have several chapters on “The Way My Officer Sees Things” because I believe it’s something I learned the hard way. I learned overtime that my officer sees the world differently than I do. He experiences things differently than I do like the story I share above. Empathy, placing ourselves in someone else’s shoes, is so incredibly important to a relationship with a police officer. It’s important that your officer also does the same with you. They need to remember that we civilians don’t see what they do at work and we can’t anticipate the way they will respond. I share stories about this on my podcast.
What do police officers look for in a relationship?
I share more on this in an entire blog on what a cop is looking for in a relationship. In a nutshell, No drama. Our police officers deal with so much drama and trauma at work. Our home is less than peaceful in that we have two young very active boys. It’s not perfectly clean, but we do follow general routines in our home that keep everyone sane. I love a good reality TV show drama, but I’m not one that likes unnecessary drama in my own life. I tend to respond pretty chill to situations especially if I know that my husband is stressed. I know that, if I can chill out, then it will help him and the whole situation. I’m not perfect at this but let me give you a couple examples.
When riots broke out in Los Angeles, my husband was scheduled on A/B watch, which means 12 hours on and 12 hours off until who knows when. I am a working mom, but I have designed our lives so that I can be independent and our children are cared for regardless of my husband’s schedule. It was a stressful time, but I focused on the task at hand. I needed to take care of myself and our children independently until My husband was able to be home with us. Me worrying about my husband would not do anyone any good. I turned off the news and we chatted after he was able to have a day off. You can read more about this in my husband’s new memoir book, Why is Everything Wet?
My police husband went straight from work to the hospital with kidney stones. I was home alone with our children. He called to tell me that he had to go to the hospital. While I was worried about him and knew I wanted to be there for him, I knew me staying home with our boys was the best thing. He was taken care of at the hospital and I stayed home to care for our children.
Struggles of dating a police officer
If you can’t tell from the examples above of instable shift work schedules, overtime, chaos at work, there are many struggles that come with dating a police officer, but you can overcome them by taking care of yourself and your children (if you have any) and focusing on setting your life up for independence. We can’t depend on our officers all of the time, because they are deploying to serve the city, county, etc. when they leave for work. As a police wife, I have learned to ensure that all of my and my kids’ daily needs are met whether or not my officer is home.
Do cops sleep around?
This is a common fear of those dating a cop, because their shifts aren’t normal and communication can lack due to being busy at work. Transparency is key. Trust comes with time as well. You should feel welcome visiting your officer at the station occasionally. Overtime, you two may exchange phone passwords; this can help you feel like he has nothing to hide. I share more about how to deal with our officers working with female partners here. I also share about my officer working undercover with women here.
Are police officers controlling in relationships?
I remember the first time I wanted to go on a jog with our new baby. My officer gave me a map he drew of streets he was okay with me jogging on. What?! At first, I was weirded out. Then, I realized that he spotted crime going on near where we lived and just didn’t want to go jogging in that area. I have an entire blog on this topic and address I more in my book. At times, it may feel like they are controlling, because of their hypervigilance. Police officers are keenly aware of their surroundings and what goes on behind the scenes. They observe things we don’t.
How to tell if a police officer likes you?
Cops must be confident to do their job. I believe they will be direct with you and ask you out if they’re interested. I have had women message me asking about a lack of communication from an officer they were dating at times. If you haven’t heard from an officer you’re dating for a while, then ask them directly if they’re still interested in dating you. Give them time and space. An officer typically embodies a traditional man and will seek you out if they are interested. Of course due to busy shift work, it may take them time to reach out, so be patient.
Listen: more on dating and thriving with a police, fire, or military partner on the heelsandholster podcast
I truly hope this blog helped you learn more about what kind of woman do cops like to date. For more information, keep reading:
Who are police officers most likely to marry?
Police officers are looking for someone with mental stability, a caregiver, and independence. Mental stability is necessary as a police wife as you will face shift work instability and unexpected overtime as well as police hate. Police officers look for caregivers, because, if they want a family, their wife will typically be the primary caregiver or default parent of their children while they work long hours. Lastly, an independence as a woman is necessary if you want to be a police wife.
Picture this:
You understand the unique way he sees the world on and off duty, and he feels accepted and relaxed around you.
Your days run on an Independent Daily Routine that keeps you grounded, whether he's on a normal shift or 12-on/12-off riot schedule.
You use Gentle Observation and Assertive Trauma Informed Communication, so home is a low-drama safe haven where you both feel heard.
He calls you before signing up for optional overtime and reaches out proactively to plan your next date night.
You feel secure and confident in his loyalty, even when his shift is busy or he works with female partners.
Want to be the strong, independent partner he can't wait to come home to? Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.