When His Phone Is Taken After a Critical Incident and He Comes Home Exhausted
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so you know how to support him after a critical incident without pushing him away.
Have you ever gotten that late-night text from your husband saying he's going to be held over after a major call, or waited 12 to 18 hours while his phone is taken for interviews after a critical incident, wondering what state he'll be in when he finally walks through the door?
When your police, fire, or military partner comes home after a traumatic call, he is physically and emotionally drained. If you're a talker like me, your instinct is to ask questions so he can process it. But pushing him to talk before his nervous system is ready makes him shut down.
When one of my coaching clients noticed her partner was exhausted after a heavy shift, she used my Gentle Observation method instead of pressing him. She told me, "I could tell he was tired so I used Gentle Observation. So far, the results are wonderful. I can see that my man is more relaxed. I could really see it in his tone and the way he is more proactive in reaching out to spend time with me." Pairing Gentle Observation with Assertive Trauma Informed Communication and your own Independent Daily Routines lets home be his safe place to recover while you still feel connected and supported.
Here is how often critical incidents actually happen in law enforcement, what happens behind the scenes when his phone is taken, and how I support my husband through them.
Critical incidents will become a part of your lives as a police spouse. You should expect them once every 2 months you should expect your officer to experience one. Police officers experience over 3 traumatic incidents every 6 months on the job; that is one every couple months (Hartley et al., 2013). Unfortunately, if an officer has to use force, they may also end up under an internal affairs investigation with the department adding more stress.
What is an example situation of a critical incident?
Anything from pulling over a gang member to chat, a domestic violence call, conducting search warrants, and even a women asking about her cell phone being taken for evidence can escalate into a critical incident. All four of the above have resulted in critical incidents for my husband. The cell phone one was surprising. I remember getting a text that night, “pretty girl, I’m going to work late, but you’re going to like it.” That night, he was able to help a woman, who was a human trafficking victim, find her daughter and the pimp was holding the little girl hostage. I share in my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book that my husband’s dad, who was also a police officer, was critically injured on duty. He was shot in the ear at a domestic violence call. My police husband just wrote a memoir book sharing his dad’s story and his own experience as a Los Angeles police officer for over 16 years in gang units.
What happens after a critical incident?
My husband, a police officer, has always told me that, often when they get into critical incidents, they are removed from others and their cell phones will be taken so they can be interviewed without discussing the situation with others. He told me that he would try to text me before his cell phone was removed but that I might not hear from him for hours- even 12-18 hours later. He is interviewed and assessed for mental health release back to work. If he can anticipate that his unit will be conducting search warrants, which are more likely to become critical incidents, then he will tell me ahead of time prior to the shift. I discuss how to establish sustainable communication routines in your police relationship in my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.
What are key features of critical incident stress?
Critical incident stress is the body’s reaction to a stressful, traumatic situation. Symptoms can range from psychological to physical. I have found that my husband’s general mental state is neutral. He has been an officer for 16 years. That means, based on the research, he has been through 96 critical incidents in his career. That takes a toll. He doesn’t seem to get very excited about things nor extremely sad either. I believe that being neutral helps him to face the critical incidents he experiences and remain mentally stable.
My officer has what I refer to as “PTSD nightmares.” I describe them more in this free youtube video I made. I have heard from other police and veteran wives that their spouses have similar nightmares. It makes me sad. Luckily, it’s not all of the time, but it can be scary.
How to help your officer with a critical incident as a police wife?
When your officer is released home, he is exhausted. He has experienced a trauma, then he was interviewed in almost an accusatory way that would have legal implications, then he was assessed for his mental stability, and he literally might not have slept for 2 days.
Let him sleep. Let him rest. If you need help at home, ask friends, family, or professionals. You need to step up and take care of it all on your own for a bit to let him rest. I share more about this in my blog on how I dealt with everything after my husband was injured on duty.
Ask him how he’s doing. Don’t push him to talk unless he wants to. I share more about this in my blog on supporting an officer with depression. Every person is different. My husband isn’t a talker. It took me years to fully support him in a way that he needed. I’m a talker, so I didn’t get it. He has told me, “When I’m home, I just want to focus on you and the kids. That’s what makes me happy.” We are his happy place. Creating a happy home (even with the beautiful chaos of having children, pets, etc.) is your responsibility and a gift to your officer. I share tips on productivity and juggling all of the home responsibilities in this blog.
I give my officer time to workout. That is his therapy. He does jiujitsu, CrossFit, and MMA. This is time away from the family. I share more about how I felt resentment over this at the beginning of our marriage in this free youtube video, but I have come to learn that his workouts are critical to his health.
Of course, encourage your officer to seek medical advice if you are very concerned about them. I truly hope that sharing my personal experience about supporting my officer with critical incidents helped you. You are a rock and strength in your family. Bless you.
Picture this:
He gives you a heads-up before a high-risk warrant or shift, and you have a clear communication routine so your nervous system stays grounded.
When he walks in exhausted after a critical incident, you use Gentle Observation so he feels accepted and safe without pressure to rehash the call.
Your household runs smoothly on your Independent Daily Routine with support from your tribe, so letting him sleep for two days doesn't overwhelm you.
He gets his workout therapy in and comes home present, grateful, and focused on you and the kids.
When he is ready to share, he opens up to you willingly because he knows you have his back.
You can be the steady, peaceful safe haven he comes home to without losing yourself in the process. Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.
Listen: how to feel heard in your marriage, Episode 88