2 Ways to Get Rid of Police Spouse Resentment
Police Wife Resentment: Do You Feel Like a Single Mom Who’s Married?
Before we dive in: if resentment is building, grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training. It’s the first step to feeling like a team again.
It’s 9:15pm. The dishes are still in the sink, the kids finally fell asleep, and your phone buzzes. “Picking up OT. Don’t wait up.”
You type “ok” and delete it three times. You’re not mad that he works hard. You’re mad that you’re doing this alone again. You’re a single mom who’s married, and nobody seems to notice but you.
I’ve been there. Early in my police wife life, I kept a running list in my head of everything I did that he didn’t. That list turned into resentment, and the resentment turned into the cold shoulder at dinner.
Here’s the good news: resentment is a signal, not a life sentence. Below are the two ways my coaching clients and I let it go, using my Assertive Trauma Informed Communication method and my Independent Daily Routines framework. (If your husband is a firefighter, read how real fire wives let go of firefighter wife struggles and 48-hour shift resentment.)
As a police spouse, we are alone a lot more and take on more household responsibilities solo than average wives. Police wife resentment is common due to the realities of our unique roles.
Let’s start with the first way: seeing things from his side.
Place yourself in your police spouses’ shoes- part one
There have been two specific times that this has helped me.
CrossFit
My husband has gone to the same CrossFit gym for 7 years. For the first year, it made sense because the gym was right down the road from our house. Then, we moved about 30 minutes away and he continued to go to that gym. When I was in a resentful stage early on in our marriage with our young boys, I felt annoyed that he went to a gym so far away. That drive time could have been spent with our family. He was already gone so much to because of the long shift work hours, overtime, and court.
While I had meal planning and prep down to help my husband gain muscle, It took me 6 years to attend a class with him at the gym (just last year- photo for proof!) to really see his reason why.
Immediately, I saw the owner and his dog greet me and my husband. The owner and another coach asked us how we were doing and welcomed me to the gym. We were surrounded by flags including a thin blue line flag. As other gym members arrived, they also said hi to both of us. They wanted to talk to me to get to know me and ask if I was going to start working out there regularly. I felt very welcomed.
The workout was adapted to meet my needs. The coach checked in on me throughout the workout. Everyone reported how many reps they did at the end and everyone cheered each other on.
The environment and people were supportive of my husband as a person and of police. He felt safe. He didn't often get that at work. I finally knew why he drove 30 minutes for that specific gym. It helped me to feel less resentful and accept it. We recently have gone to his gym for two family events including a pumpkin carving event. We also met an amazing swim instructor there who taught my youngest son (he was 5) how to swim! Placing myself in my husband’s shoes really helps me to see why he makes decisions.
Grab our brand new police kids book
Place yourself in your police spouses’ shoes- part two
2. Visiting the Police Station
For more on this topic, read my blog: Why a Police Wife Should Visit the Police Station
We chose to move out to a suburb of Los Angeles where I work even though it makes my husband’s commute quite long. He feels safer with us living in the suburb when he’s away from us at work and can relax more on his days off. My husband is not a complainer. He doesn’t talk much about work unless I really push him to do so. He also changes his uniform at the station. He keeps his work and home life separate. This creates a healthy boundary for him to leave his stress at work and just enjoy his family time when he is home (although we know that’s not easy). While there are pros to separating his work and home life, it also prevents me from really empathizing with him. I also forget about his long commute or stressful days if he doesn’t tell me. Our young boys who are ages 5 and 7 do too.
The first time we visited my husband at the station when my boys were little they had a blast. My husband was working in a gang unit. They got to sit in the car, press (almost) all the buttons, and hear the siren. My husband’s friend who flies the Los Angeles police helicopter even flew overhead. Our boys favorite part was going inside the station to get snacks. Someone had ordered pizza, so they ate some pizza and some candy too! He showed us a brief tour and we saw the holding cells. We met the Captain. Stories he told me, even my very favorite funniest story about bringing a turtle found in the road into the holding cell, came to life. I saw how my husband held himself differently in uniform. He was very serious and more on edge. He’s normal a laid-back guy.
Accept that you indeed do take on more responsibilities than others
Something that really helped me was when a fellow police wife told me “As a police wife, we do take on more than others.” She nailed it! Our lives are unique. We are responsible for more of the household duties and childcare in our homes than average wives whose spouses come over each night at 5:30pm. For years, I fought this. I used to tell my husband, “you’re never home.” It was the opposite of helpful. Once I embraced the fact that he did have to work a lot especially evenings and weekends, I began to shape our lives in a way that worked for us as a unique police family and accommodate the unique needs that we had as a family. This brings me to my next point. This is true for military spouses too, and you can see how one couple turned resentment into teamwork in my post on how military couples stay connected during deployment.
Address your own needs
A huge part of resentment is feeling like everything is on you and your spouse is not there to share the burden. As a working mom myself, I often wake up alone with my boys, get us all ready for school, take us to school and work, pick them up from school, and maybe, if we are lucky, we will see my husband before bedtime. Some days and even weekends we don’t see him at all. However, some weekdays my husband gets to be there to see our boys’ performances or sports even in the middle of the day due to his shift work schedule. There’s pros and cons to everything. Choose to look at the pros.
I realized that, because so much of the childcare responsibility was on me, I needed help as a working mom. In my police wife devotional book, I shared how we waited a full year to get any daycare for our oldest son, and it was so tough. I know it can be tough to ask for help, but read this for ideas on how to ask for help even if you feel uncomfortable. Once we finally did, I felt like it created a much better balance in my life.
During very chaotic times, I have paid for professional home cleaning services as well as ordered grocery delivery. I even schedule in “take out dinner” nights during my weekly meal planning so that I can ensure I get a break from cooking. I plan easy meals to make on my husband’s days on. Adjust your routines so that you do not feel overwhelmed. Find a balance and your resentment will wash away.
Picture this:
You wake up to a sparkling clean sink because he did the dishes before bed, without you asking.
He calls you BEFORE he says yes to overtime, and you decide together.
You have your own evening routine that makes you smile, whether he’s home or not.
When you do need help, you ask once, and he actually hears you.
At dinner you’re laughing together again instead of keeping score.
This is what happens when you stop swallowing your needs and start asking in a way his nervous system can hear.
You don’t have to keep carrying this alone. Start with my free training, 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back, and learn the first steps to feeling like you’re on the same team again.
Listen: more on letting go of resentment on the heelsandholster podcast
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