Why We Needed a Safe House as a Police Family
Late-Night Phone Calls and Real Safety Plans: How First Responder and Military Families Stay Safe Without Living in Fear
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so you can feel calm, secure, and on the same team at home, no matter what happens on his shift.
Whether you are part of a police, fire, or military family, safety is never just an abstract word. When your partner sees real danger on the job and brings home safety requests, like using a PO Box or making a plan for a safe house, it can either scare you into constant anxiety or bring you closer together as a team.
For our family, combining practical safety plans with my Gentle Observation method, Assertive Trauma Informed Communication, and Independent Daily Routines allowed me to focus on our boys and our daily joy instead of letting fear take over. Here is how I first learned about the real dangers of my husband's work, and why we created a safe house plan as a police family.
The first time I realized the dangers of police work, I was engaged to the man who is now my police husband of 11 years. We were long distance. He would wake me up to a phone call in the middle of the night after his shift so we could chat at least one time each day. I asked him to tell me about his shift. He said, “They just keep shooting each other. This is why I don’t like talking about work. It’s not fun for me.” At the time, my husband was working gangs in South Central LA, one of the most impoverished areas in the US.
I lied about this being the very first time. When I first started dating my husband, when I met his dad, he kept turning towards me and couldn’t hear me. My husband told me later that his dad had been shot in the head through his ear on a domestic violence call on duty. He had lost hearing in his left ear. I was 17 when I learned this and it took me time for this to sink in as a reality.
I tell you these real experiences from my police family not to scare you, but to educate and make you feel less alone as a fellow police wife, spouse, or girlfriend. PTSD, trauma, and injury on duty have all been a part of our lives even though we still do live a beautiful, happy life as well. All careers come with downfalls and safety challenges are a reality in police work.
I also share 42 stories including many related to safety and even some funny ones, Bible verses, and prayers from our police dating years and marriage in my police wife devotional book.
How does being a police officer affect your family?
The second time I realized the dangers of his work was when Dorner, a disgruntled retired LAPD officer and veteran, went on a rampage shooting families of officers and officers themselves. My husband went to work that day, and I was left googling what was happening an ocean away. I read the comments. Any seasoned police wife would tell you do not read the comments, but I did it. It was the first time I saw the police hate. People cheering on Dorner. I was disgusted. My husband had told me all along (we had dated 10 years prior to getting married and he had been an officer already for 6 years) about the hate they get from the community, but I’m a sunshine and rainbows kinda gal. I didn’t believe him, but I started to that day.
Is being a police officer hard on family?
The next time I saw the safety issues that officers face was when we were at the movies on a double date with my husband’s bestie, another officer, and they both got a text that there had been a shooting in their unit. An officer and friend of theirs was shot looking up into an attic to clear the house serving a search warrant. My husband went on search warrants often in the gang unit. It always made for a late night, late arrest, tons of paperwork followed by overtime at court in the future. It was also one of the most dangerous tasks he had. I didn’t respond well that night when we found out about the shooting. My husband and his bestie continued watching the movie. I felt that we should have left and gone to the hospital. Brought food. I learned later that the officer was being held at the hospital with security and could not be contacted or visited for sometime. After an injury on duty (IOD), critical incident, use of force, or shooting, there was an investigation of everything.
Is being a cop hard on family?
Day to day, I focus on the needs of my family. I’m sure more police families can relate. Cooking, cleaning, helping our two young boys learn and grow. I don’t consciously think about our safety as a police family.
While investigating crimes from a white supremacy gang, my husband learned that they had homes nearby ours. It made him uncomfortable. He knew they had identified him. He talked to me about having plans to go to a safe house. When I say this, it sounds dramatic, but it’s just a place we could go that we could not be tracked to via paperwork. My husband had said that gangs have contacts at the DMV and can find out where you live. It scared me, but I’m a planner, so I liked having a plan of where we would go if he felt that we were at risk.
Embracing this lifestyle as your own is key to finding joy as a police wife girlfriend.
Steps Police Families Can take to Stay Safe
Here are just a few ways we stay safe as a police family:
make plans for a safe house, a safe place to go for you and your family that cannot be tracked back to you via paperwork or social media, etc.
use a PO Box for mail
find a safe neighborhood to live in outside the city your spouse works in (unless required by the department that they live in the city)
Picture this:
You have practical safety plans in place (a safe house plan, a PO Box, and a security doorbell) so your nervous system can relax at home instead of spiraling into fear.
When he brings up a safety concern from work, you use Gentle Observation and Assertive Trauma Informed Communication to make a calm plan together instead of arguing.
Day to day, your Independent Daily Routines keep you focused on your family's joy rather than googling scary headlines while he is on shift.
When a critical incident or late search warrant happens, you know what the process looks like and how to support him without panicking.
You and your police, fire, or military partner feel like a steady, united team who have each other's backs no matter what.
Ready to replace worry with a calm, connected partnership? Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.