How to Support Your Police Officer Husband or Military Husband with Trauma or PTSD
I woke up to a weird screeching sound coming from my police officer husband next to me in bed terrified of something that he was dreaming about. I called out his name, “Rick” quietly at first. He continued his (what I determined to be)…nightmare. I touched his shoulder and pushed while I called out his name again. He finally woke but was weirded out and confused for a bit. He said, “thank you.” He didn’t want to talk about what he had seen. He told me later that sometimes his nightmares have nothing to do with what he experienced at work, but I know that he has them only when things are very busy at work. He had them most often when he was working south central gangs in Los Angeles. One night while asking him about work, he said, “they just keep shooting each other. It’s not fun to talk about.” Another time, he mentioned interacting with a young teen boy who was recently recruited into a gang. The next day, he found him shot to death. He shares more about the things he has seen in his memoir book, Why is Everything Wet. I can only imagine what these critical incidents do to him. He’s not a talker, so I don’t always know how he’s feeling. He works out 5-6 days a week doing MMA and BJJ; that is his therapy. It keeps him in shape, but I believe he also releases his stress during his workouts.
A good family friend of ours is veteran who served two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. His girlfriend shared with me that she had woken up to her choking her before in his sleep. How scary. We know that the things our veterans see is unimaginable. This veteran friend of ours is now a cop. Many veterans go into law enforcement, because they are already trained on many similar tactics. Their experience in police work can only compound their trauma.
The thoughts creep up on them at night when they’re trying to rest. As a trained social worker, I have learned that sleep is very difficult for people with trauma. I try not to diagnose my own family, but it’s clearly trauma. In fact, I called my police husband’s dreams “PTSD nightmares.” Because I know from talking to his friends and their wives about this that my police husband isn’t the only one to experience, this, I have provided some practical tips below on how we police wives can support our veteran or police husbands with the effects of trauma or PTSD. See more tips in my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book.
Prevent Retraumatization
When my husband exhibits symptoms of trauma, I try to remain calm and address the symptom or get us out of an environment that is causing the symptom. For example, when Rick has had those PTSD nightmares, I wake him up slowly and don’t pressure him to talk about it. I let him go back to sleep hoping he will have a better sleep. We usually touch base about it in the morning. If your police spouse is a talker, indeed let him talk. Related to my next tip, environments can create PTSD or trauma symptoms, such as crowded places. We try to avoid places that would prompt these emotions in general, but you cannot always anticipate it. If so, we leave. We also have a plan for a safe house for the whole family, which I talk more about in this blog.
Avoid Stressful Places
Certain places can trigger my husband’s trauma. My husband doesn’t like it when he cannot see all around him. For example, he likes to sit towards the back of a movie theater so he can see all around. This was a change for me, since I would usually sit in the middle or front. This is an easy change to adapt to though.
A friend of ours whose spouse was in the military shared that her husband really got upset when their baby cried in the car. He described that they used to play sounds of crying babies in Iraq as a military tactic. I could only imagine how he felt. Of course, we cannot avoid crying babies if we have children. But, if the experience of driving and a baby who doesn’t like to be in the car creates this especially negative experience, maybe offer to drive in separate cars and take the baby or invite friends and family to your house instead of traveling. Babies grow out of the crying the care phase eventually.
Don’t make him talk
For a while, since I’m one who loves to talk things out, I would pressure my police husband to talk about the trauma assuming it would help him like it helps me. He told me straight up that it doesn’t help him once. I heard him loud and clear. He said that when he’s home, he wants to focus on our family. I appreciate that. He’s very present with us and that brings him joy and healing.
If you feel that your husband has mental health issues consistently, then definitely encourage him to seek out professional help.
Take Care of Things
If your military or police husband needs professional support, certainly give them time to receive that. However, that can place additional home choses and childcare responsibilities on your shoulders. It can be stressful and a lot to juggle. Ask for help from friends, families, and professionals. Order delivery groceries and hire a house cleaner even if it’s temporarily to get you through this time.
Encourage your Police Officer or Military Spouse to Workout
As I stated earlier, Rick’s workouts heal him. He does CrossFit and Brazilian Jiu-jitsu five or six days a week. They are intense exercise, but I swear he’s so much happier after his workouts. Having tried both, I can say that they are very empowering.
Take Time Off Together
Rest is almost as important as working out. On a camping trip last year to Big Sur, Rick said, “I could live here.” I said, “in a tent?” He said, “yes.” Big Sur is in central California; our campside was surrounded by huge sequoia trees and we were feet away from a river walking distance to where it connected to the Pacific Ocean. It’s truly a beautiful, serene location. We stayed there a couple nights with our young boys. I believe it brings my husband peace. He’s away from crime and other people that might stress him out.
Time Heals
If your military or police spouse has control to move positions or units so that he isn’t having to face the same scene or location in which he experienced the trauma, encourage him to make a change. I believe time away can be healing. I have seen it help my police husband.
I wish you and your military or police husband peace. I share 42 stories of my police wife marriage in my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional. Also, my husband has a memoir from his work as a police officer in Los Angeles and his experience a child of a police officer, Why is Everything Wet. I know you will benefit from reading these books as well.