Stay Strong: A Guide to Internal Affairs for Police Wives
When He's Under Investigation and Carrying It All Internally: How to Be His Safe Place Without Losing Yourself
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so you and your partner can stay an unshakable team even during the most stressful seasons of his career.
Hearing that your police, fire, or military partner is under an internal affairs investigation is terrifying. I have been through it twice with my husband, including when his entire specialized unit was disbanded and his former colleagues were furious that he just wanted to move on instead of fighting it.
When your husband is carrying that kind of stress, you can easily feel helpless at home. What helped us navigate those seasons together was using my Gentle Observation method to notice when he needed space to think and recover, combined with Assertive Trauma Informed Communication and Independent Daily Routines so our home stayed steady and peaceful.
As one of my coaching clients shared after practicing Gentle Observation when her partner was stressed: "I could tell he was tired so I used Gentle Observation. So far, the results are wonderful. I can see that my man is more relaxed. I could really see it in his tone and the way he is more proactive in reaching out to spend time with me."
Here is what you need to know about the internal affairs investigation process from a police wife perspective, so you feel less alone and understand your rights.
I have been a wife of a Los Angeles police officer for 10 years and am a mother of two boys. I am author of books to support police wives and kiddos of police that make them feel seen. I am not a police officer myself. I am writing this blog to support spouses and police wives of law enforcement officers who may have found out that their officer is under an internal affairs investigation. It can be scary. I have been through it a couple times with my husband and am here to ensure you feel less alone and understand your rights. My husband wrote a memoir about his 16-year career in Los Angeles law enforcement where he shares raw stories including internal affairs investigations he has been through. Definitely read his book for his take on things but read on for a police wife perspective.
What is Internal Affairs for Police
Internal Affairs is responsible for investigations of police officers when a supervisor, colleague, or community member believes that a police officer was not following protocol as they were trained or in general did something unethical according to community members. Depending on the size of your spouses’ department, the IAB, or Internal Affairs Bureau, can be an entire unit with a lot of resources. A friend of my husband’s believed that there was a police car following him home at night to observe his behavior during an internal affairs investigation.
Internal Affairs Investigation Process
Typically, your spouse will learn about an internal affairs investigation during his shift when he is informed by his supervisor. That is what has happened with my husband in the two critical incidents that I know about. I am going to be vulnerable and share that my husband was accused of inappropriate use of force during both circumstances. It was a very stressful time when he was accused of these things. During one of the times, he was in a specialized unit and the entire unit was disbanded. He was sent to regular patrol, which was not what caused the most amount of stress for us. My husband wanted to move on. His previous colleagues were very upset and wanted to get lawyers to fight the closure of the specialized unit and get their positions back. My husband did not want to join them. One thing that he did was ensure that he had a lawyer himself in case he needed to protect his job, which is something your spouse can and should do. In this case, my husband’s job was not threatened so he did not need the lawyer. The challenge was the fact that my husband did not want to fight it and his fellow officers did. That created tension. Ultimately, the best thing that happened was that my husband changed to work in a different division. Los Angeles is huge, so changing divisions was like a fresh start for him. If your spouse has the chance to do that, it was the best thing my husband could have done to prevent burnout.
Resources for Internal Affairs Investigations
Seek legal help. Ask around to fellow officers that your spouse trusts to see if they know of a good lawyer to represent him if needed. We have known other officers close to my husband who were even temporarily fired and then got their job back by fighting the case in course with a lawyer who knows officers’ rights. It took time, even years, but it was worth it. Our friend who went through this went back to school during his time off the job and got his bachelor’s degree. He took full advantage of his time and made the best of it.
Seek emotional/psychological help. Investigations can take a toll on the entire family. We wives might feel helpless like there isn’t much we can do. If you are feeling this way and see the emotional burden in your spouse, maybe seek marital therapy or coaching during this time.
Take care of things about this house. Check out my police wife productivity blog for help. You are not helpless. If you are taking care of the cooking, cleaning, and children, you are truly helping give your spouse the time he needs to think and recover during this stressful time.
Basic needs. Ensure you and your spouse are doing your best to sleep well, exercise, eat well, and drink enough water. It is the most stressful times that we need reminders to take care of ourselves. I love my at-home workouts to Sydney Cummings on YouTube, and my husband loves jiujitsu and CrossFit. Working out is like therapy to both of us.
I truly hope this blog lets you know that you’re not along going through this. I strongly believe my husband is a good person, a good cop, and even he had times when he went through an internal investigation.
Picture this:
Even when work feels heavy or uncertain, you use Gentle Observation to read his state and give him the space he needs to decompress without feeling shut out.
Your Independent Daily Routines, workouts, and household rhythms keep your home calm and steady for both of you and your kids.
When you need to talk through next steps or ask for support, you use Assertive Trauma Informed Communication so you make decisions calmly as teammates.
He knows that no matter what happens at the department, home is his safest place and you have his back.
You still protect pockets of Consistent Quality Time Together so an investigation at work never takes over your marriage.
Want to feel like an unshakable team through every season of police, fire, or military life? Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.
heelsandholster: a police wife devotional
I share 42 raw stories of my police dating years and marriage complemented by Bible verses and prayers for reflection. This book has sold hundreds of copies worldwide and is seen as a resource to those who have read it.