When the Job Weighs Heavy on Him and He Doesn't Want to Talk About It
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training to help him feel safe opening up while you protect your own peace.
Have you ever looked at your police, fire, or military husband after a rough stretch of shifts or a heavy loss, knowing something is weighing on him, but the more you ask him to talk about his feelings, the quieter he gets?
When I coach couples, men often share that when they admit their day was "miserable," they feel like what they say isn't enough because their wife begs for more details before they're ready. On the flip side, wives feel shut out and alone carrying the whole house while he recovers.
That is why I teach my Gentle Observation method (noticing where he is without pushing him to talk), paired with Assertive Trauma Informed Communication and your own Independent Daily Routines. One of my military and firefighter wife clients went from feeling like she and her husband didn't know how to interact with each other anymore to feeling like she had a front row seat to his feelings.
Understanding what he faces on duty, and what actually helped my husband through his hardest year, changed the way I show up as his wife.
Police officers experience over 3 traumatic incidents every 6 months on the job; that is one every couple months (Hartley et al., 2013). Stressors from the job compiled with typical personal life challenges increase the chances that your husband may experience depression, anxiety, or paranoia. Can you be a cop with depression? Can you be a police officer with depression? It seems like depression, anxiety, and trauma are a part of the job, but symptoms can be maintained and avoided.
You’re reading this article, so you’re probably aware of these issues, but I want you to know that depression at some point in our lives is normal. It can come and go. Our family lost my husband’s father a couple years ago, and the year following that was very challenging for my husband and the entire family. Still today, my husband talks about how thankful he is that I was there for him. Please note that these are recommendations are based on my experience with mild depression, but you should consult with a physician or call 911 if you are concerned for your spouse’s safety. Let’s focus not just on how to deal with a depressed husband, but also on how to help as a police wife. Be sure to take care of yourself during this tough time.
Your police officer husband may not want to talk.
He may not want to talk, and that is okay. Women tend to desire to talk about their feelings. Oftentimes, men don’t. It took me years to learn that it truly did not help my police officer husband to talk things out. Since it helped me, I assumed it helped him. Just physically spending time with him doing things we enjoyed together, such as spending time with our children, was what my husband needed. Just being there.
How to Help Your Husband with Depression? Take care of things.
Take care of household and child responsibilities even if you do solo parenting. This is a big one. My husband describes me as a “rock” in our police officer family, because I keep everything going during times that he needed time for recovery. Sometimes in marriage you give more and sometimes you take more. When you have a depressed husband, it’s time to give more. Taking care of the household and child responsibilities relieves stress from your spouse. Don’t miss my productivity hacks for police wives blog.
Self-care.
Take care of yourself and surround your family with positive, supportive people. Because you are taking on more responsibilities, you need to remember to ask for help from extended family members, paid daycare providers, etc. to ensure that you take care of yourself. I have created a free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training that is focused on improving your police marriage and self-care routine.
Plan a vacation even if it’s a staycation for your police officer husband.
Go on a vacation. A vacation is time to not just get away physically and mentally, but also it changes up your family routine if you’re in a funk. I reflect on this in my police wife devotional and on Instagram a lot… My husband is happiest when he is outdoors and away from crowds. He loves camping!
Time and patience.
Specific traumatic incidents can take years to recover from. Acknowledge that this is okay, but seek out medical care or suggest it to your spouse if you are worried about him.
Can you be a police officer with depression? Encourage your spouse to workout.
Depression may be caused by a specific life challenge, but can persist due to a chemical change in the brain. Physical activity and/or medication (as prescribed by a physician) can address the chemical changes. My husband does boxing, wrestling, MMA, and cross-fit. It has been so good for his body and mind as a police officer. Give your spouse time to go to the gym. You can even apply for Adopt-a-Cop BJJ to cover $50 worth of a gym fee for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu here for your police officer husband.
Check out my blog on recovery from an injury on duty, since that could contribute to depression.
Hormone therapy
Hormone therapy. Men’s hormone levels change as they get older. Consider suggesting that your spouse get their hormone levels checked by a physician.
Can you be a cop with depression?
Yes, but seek medical help. Cognitive therapy and anti-depressant medications combined have shown great success in relieving depression symptoms over time.
Spend time together.
Surprise your husband with these cute at-home date night ideas, such as trying a new recipe together, playing a board game, s’mores, and fun things that will get his mind off negative thoughts.
I have noticed that my husband is truly happiest when he get to have down time and just chill with our boys and me even if it’s just at home.
I talk more about this in my heelandholster: a police wife devotional book.Picture this:
You use Gentle Observation when he's quiet or down, and because there is no pressure to talk, he relaxes and opens up to you on his own timeline.
You feel like you have a front row seat to his feelings instead of walking on eggshells around his mood.
Your household runs on an Independent Daily Routine with outside help and childcare, so being his rock doesn't mean burning yourself out.
He gets into the gym, outdoors, or on a camping trip with you and the kids, and you watch the light come back into his eyes.
You both feel deeply connected and appreciative of each other, even through the hardest seasons of his career.
When your partner is going through a heavy season, having the right communication and routine tools changes everything for both of you. Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.