10 Ways to Deal with Police Wife Anxiety
Awake at 4am Checking His Location? How to Calm Police Wife Anxiety and Feel Safe Again
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so your nervous system can finally relax while he's on shift.
When your police, fire, or military partner is working late, on night shift, or out during protests, so much of this lifestyle feels out of your control. If you are a military spouse facing an upcoming deployment, check out my trauma-informed guide on how military wives calm pre-deployment anxiety and fear.
One of my coaching clients, a police girlfriend in a long-distance relationship, admitted she followed her partner's dot on the map every shift. Any stop that lasted too long became a story in her head. Even after a year of therapy, she still couldn't stop checking. As she put it, "It's control. So I can be in control."
I've never tracked my husband's location. Instead of staring at a dot on a screen chasing a false sense of control, I focus on what I can control: Consistent Quality Time Together (a predictable routine for when we talk and see each other next that calms my nervous system), Independent Daily Routines (a full life I look forward to while he's at work), and Assertive Trauma Informed Communication. Once my client built her Independent Daily Routines, she turned location tracking off, her nervous system finally relaxed, and he started checking in on her more.
If your mind spirals when he's on duty, you know how quickly these moments can steal your sleep and your peace.
You’re awake at 4am. Your spouse was supposed to be home 2 hours ago. You texted him, but he didn’t respond. Your worst nightmare comes to mind. You cannot get back to sleep.
You’re on social media and see that a police officer has been injured in your spouse’s work area. You text him, but he doesn’t respond. Your worst nightmare comes to mind. You can’t focus on anything else the rest of the day.
Your spouse tells you that he has to work protests and the protestors have been rioting for days. You feel helpless as you know your spouse is tired.
Your spouse tells you about something scary that happened at work, and you can’t stop thinking about it (You may want to check out my blog on Paranoia).
I have been there. Here are 10 ways to address how to be a cop’s wife and deal with anxiety:
Don’t expect check-in text or phone calls from your spouse. You want him to focus on his own safety while at work. This can be hard, but remember that no news is good news.
If your spouse has a smart watch (such as this apple watch*), they can send you a heart icon to let you know they are okay.
Exchange numbers with a friend of your spouses’ who is also a police officer. If anything happened to your officer, then this friend would contact you.
Trust his training. Encourage him to stay in shape by giving him time to workout, such a jiujitsu and/or MMA.
Distract yourself with things you enjoy. Find a hobby you love, watch a show your spouse would not want to watch, etc.
Stay off social media and turn off the news if you find that it brings you down.
Engage in aerobic exercise 15-20 minutes per day. Choose a workout that you enjoy. If you exercise 15-20 minutes per day, it has been shown to relieve stress. 1 My favorite in MadFit (free 15-20 minute workouts on YouTube or a paid app).
Eat more plant-based foods or even consider a plant-based diet. Plant-based diets has been strongly associated with improved anxiety. I personally love “The Adaptable Feast” cookbook* meant for households with meat lovers and vegetarians.
Practice mindfulness. It has been shown to improve anxiety in many studies. 3 I love Yoga with Adriene on YouTube. She has workouts for every ailment- both body and mind.
Take Ashwagandha (aka Ashwa) supplements. Ashwa is an ancient root; multiple research studies have shown that it is linked to reductions in anxiety. I was having migraines from anxiety and they stopped after I started taking them. I love Goli Ashwa gummies (10% off code “heelsandholsters”)*.
*Affiliate link. I may make income from your purchase.
Picture this:
You sleep through the night without waking up at 4am to check your phone or refresh his location dot.
You have a predictable Consistent Quality Time Together routine on the calendar, so your nervous system knows exactly when you'll talk and connect next.
He sends you a quick heart icon from his watch or checks in when he can, and you know no news is good news.
Your days and evenings are filled with an Independent Daily Routine, workouts, and hobbies that keep your mind calm and present.
You trust his training, you trust your bond, and you feel at peace even when he works a tough shift.
Ready to calm the worry and feel safe and secure in your relationship? Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.
Listen: more on location tracking, worry, and feeling secure on the heelsandholster podcast